A Woman's Diary

The Day Which Made A Change
30 Jan 2005...morning ...this morning was different ..really different for me.a big change of my life...my life is going to change from today onwards..till yesterday i was the little girl of my mom and dad....today i m a woman...this could be a great example of fastest conversion..for a person.It took 24 years to turn a little baby girl into a young girl..but it hardly took 24 hours to turn that young girl into a woman...really amazing fact of our society.So here i m ..a woman today...or should a say as per the society expectation i should be woman today...coz yesterday was my marriage..i m a married woman today..as per the Indian culture wearing a Saree ..lots of bangles in my hands..jewelleries..bindi on forehead and the most important thing sindoor on my head...this "chutki bhar sindoor" was the symbol that i m no more a girl now..i m a married woman now.Today was the day of my "vidaii"..means i had to leave my parent..my own house..my room..my things...actually everything which belongs to me since so many years.and accept a unknown home..unknown persons..unknown room...unknown things..which i have never seen in my life before today...strange but true.:)
Every one around me were advising me how to behave as a"bahu"(daughter in law)..trying to convert d girl into a woman or should i say warning me not to behave like a girl..u r  not a "bacchii " now.Do's and Dont's.How to please my sasu maa..i have to get up early in the morning..have to touch every one's feet... have to do everything whatever my inlaws will say and so many other advices.and i was just listening but not interested...too much tired of long wedding process and wanted to have a good sleep..and those ladies were advising me to get up early in the morning....seriously felt like crying and shouting.but i couldn't as i have to behave as woman..a mature person.till yesterday i cud do a mistake and everyone can forgive that thinking me as a girl but not now........how can i married woman can do such silly mistake like sleeping late in the morning...
Anyways i was getting ready for my "vidaii".lots of thoughts were coming in my mind that time.on one hand i was happy that i m going to be with mridul(my husband)on d other hand i was very very sad as i had to leave my own home..ma papa bhaiya...and that time the sadness..the pain was greater than the happiness.before that day i have only seen other girls leaving their home and parent and i felt bad ..but today i were experiencing the same..and it was really really pain full.the vidaii rituals were going on and that too in my own room..i was trying to control my tears but they were coming out automatically..everyone around me was trying pacify me...then the rituals ended and had to leave my room..in fact my home..that moment came...i was coming out from my room with mridul...crying heavily..my mom was in front me..she hugged me n obviously she was also crying..that moment some auntie ji of my colony in that room said "mil lo beta ..aakhiri baar maa se mil lo".........that line hurted me so much ..i felt like killing that auntie.but i couldn't.the only thing i could did was crying n crying..then my brother came to me n escorted to me towards the exit door..he was holding me so strongly ..i felt that though he was escorting me towards d exit door still he didn't want me too go.i have seen my brother crying earlier also but this time his tears was totally different..the love,affection,care i saw that time on his face....i never saw.i was also holding his hand very tightly and saying in my heart ..don't let me go bhaiya plz..wen i crossed the door..i was looking behind ..looking at my home..the walls...everything of my house..felt like i wont be able to see all this again in my life like today.
Outside my father was standing....waiting for me...till this moment perhaps i was trying to take a control on me...but as soon as i saw papa..i lost myself..hugged papa so tightly and saying again n again...papa i don't want to go plz..papa don't let me go....and papa was trying to pacify me.he was crying,trying to control himself...and trying to assure me that i will be always his little girl..this home will remain same for me as today...always.I remember papa literally requested to mridul plz take care of my daughter...plz make her happy always..like he was praying in front of god ..joining both his hand..with tears in his eyes.i can never forget that face of papa..papa has given me everything in my life..he loved me a lot.."lot"is the word i can use.
mridul tried to assure papa.and then bhaiya made  me sit in the car..i was not ready to leave his hand..we both were crying..in fact "vidaii" of a girl is a moment where whoever present there were having tears in their eyes..
mom was wiping my tears with her Saree..and then car started..i was holding my mom's hand that time..crying so badly...and then the car left...i left my mom hands..left tears in every ones eyes..in my eyes.though i knew that i will come back to my home..to my parent..but i knew this thing also that things won't be remain same as they are today...next time mom dad's little girl will not come back to her home..no..a married woman will come back to her "mayeka"(parent's home).Some changes,some rules are made by god..which we cant change even we wish to..no matter so hard we wish to change them........and  unwillingly accepting that change i was going to my new home where my life was going to change..completely ...

Someone for me

मेरे दर्द की दवा है तू
एक खुशबू ले आयी वो हवा है तू


दिल की शाख पे एक फूल खिला
कुछ जाना कुछ अनजाना सा
कुछ अपना सा....कुछ  बेगाना सा
कुछ नया ..कुछ पुराना सा याद दिलाता 
मुझको मुझसे ही मिलाता हुआ मेरे ही एक साया है तू


मेरे सोये हुए एहसासों ,खयालो को तूने जगाया
वो ख्याल लफ्ज बन पन्नो पे उतर आया
भूल गयी थी मै जिसे
जीने का वो अंदाज़  तूने याद दिलाया
तेरे बातों से मेरे होंठो पे उतर आई जो वो मुस्कान है तू


भूलने लगी जिन्दगी के उस गम को
खुद पे किये हुए अपने उस सितम को
दर्द की जिन गहराईयों में था मैंने खुद को दबा डाला
देकर अपनी दोस्ती का हाथ  तूने मुझे निकला
भूलना चाहों उस दर्द को जिसके लिए.......अब वो एक वजह है तू


कभी किसी कमी को पूरा करता हुआ
कभी कोई कमी याद दिलाता हुआ ......
हंसी ..ख़ुशी..प्यार..दोस्ती का का एक हसीं समां है तू
मेरे दर्द की दवा है तू
एक खुशबू ले आई वो हवा है तू

A Woman's diary...

City of my life

Lucknow..may be just a city for others but for me ..i feel like my life revolves around this city only.from childhood till today. I remember ;)....actually mom dad told me tat i was only 2 years old wen i saw this city.papa got transfer to Lucknow and then finally we shifted from our grand parent place to Lucknow.n since then i always find this city connected to my life in one or another way.there is something magical about this city..at least for me.at every stage of my life i find this city helped me a lot.i started my education in Lucknow...still remember tat school name.."happy world Montessori school" i have some few memories or should i say pictureof tat time...tat school.I always like n loved to hear the stories of my childhood time i spend in Lucknow from my parent. may be that's is the reason why i have a strong memories of those days.mom tells me i always like the aminabad market of Lucknow, not for shopping but to eat the famous kulphi of prakash kulphiwala.every Sunday my father used to take us for outing.my brother always want to sit on that auto rickshaw which goes to Hajratganj ...because he loved to watch movies and good cinema halls were there.and me..me always want to sit on aminabaad auto rickshaw..:)

after some year papa got transfer to some other city and then some other and so on....but still we kept visiting Lucknow..sometimes relatives were the reason..sometimes just for shopping...sometime we all means my family were just missing d Lucknow..so we kept going there and every time i find my love and attachment increased for this city.every important relationship of mine has a connection with that city..may be its because Lucknow is d capital of UP and a really good city in terms of everything....whatever the reason but i feel happy that all my friends are somehow connected to this city.i did a lot of MASTI...MAZA..with my friends in this city.when my family finally settled in faizabad which is near to Lucknow ,i kept coming to Lucknow on every 4-5 months..my best friend zeby was living there..and i used o stay at her home during my visit though we have relatives also there.

watching movies...eating ....aminabad shopping...kulphi..or just roaming around...i can do anything in Lucknow..just want to be in that city..that's it.

finally i got married also in lucknow.and felt like god has gifted me this city.leaving own home n city is always pain full for a girl...but 'leaving the city' part was not pain full for me..felt like i was going to my own city where i always belonged to.me and my husband always use to joke that may be in childhood  we may have come across to each other,seen each other somewhere in the markets of lucknow...and finally destiny brought us together.

well..talking about d destiny..sometimes i tried to write my destiny in this city...and some time this city tried to write my destiny...whatever.. god knows....who got the succees.but definitely god has written this city in my destiny for sure.today i live in gurgaon..i love this city also..my own home is here but still miss this city..'lucknow' and always make plan to go back to lucknow after the age of 60.sometimes people of guragon recognise me as a Lucknawi person just because of my language...some words i use in my language which are generally not use in Delhi language.and i really feel proud of being recognised as a Lucknawi".....in thirty years of my life lots of things has changed in this city...actually d whole city..but those changes couldn't change the love and affection i have for this city.the picture of Lucknow city will be remain same for me in my heart n mind ...imagining me as a liitle girl in pink frock running on d streets of aminabad ..dragging her dad hand towards the shop of prakash kulphiwala..I still do d same ...difference is ..earlier it was a litle girl and now its a woman who do this act.this city gave me a lot ....most of the time good ....and sometime bad also

but still i love lucknow..and always will........

A Woman's Diary

My First Flight Journey

It has been almost 10 months of my marriage.n i was going  to USA.as mridul was already there.just after 5 months of our marriage mridul had to go US  as it was d part of his job. his project got extension so i also got d chance to go there.i was quite excited...very very excited actual..not only coz i was going to "America"..but i was going to be with mridul..as after marriage we hardly live 1 month together(and it has been 10 month)..so i was very very happy ..excited..thrilled..mixture of lots of feeling was there.this was my ever first journey by flight..n its 'international'..i were excited abt this also but scared too coz i were going all alone there.i felt like this journey was going to be d 'journey' of my life.as of now it doesn't seem extraordinary thing for me but that time it was really a 'Big' thing for me.anyways i was nervous about this 24 hr flight journey..all alone.but at d end of d journey i was going to be with mridul ..this was giving me confidence.my in laws came too see off me at d airport.everyone was concerned..worried about my 'going alone' thing.n me too
i said bye bye to everyone and Very confidently entered into d airport..after waiting for some time i were in the Que checking luggage n other formalities..i were a bit nervous as mridul told me  to carry every possible documents required there..if any missing i wont be able to board on plane.so i were again n again checking all d documents..a bundle of paper was in my hands.then my turn came..d person on checking counter took my baggage..checked d weight ..n it got cleared smoothly.took my documents i were really nervous..he checked it n returned it to me..."anything else" i asked.he smiled n said "yes mam your boarding passes".this was a bit embrassing for me.In my nervousness i forgot to take my boarding passes.after tat moment i realised tat i should took a hold on my nervousness.I called my family n mridul tat i got my boarding passes.now i had to wait for my flight ..still one hr was there.n i was waiting...tat wait was really killing me..i wanted to just jump into d plane to be with mridul as soon as possible.i was in thoughts n dreams of our togeatherness which was going to be soon again and tat too in USA..suddenly a gentleman came n sat on d chair next to me.'hi...r u in d same flight' he asked.'yes i m' i answered..'oh tats really good'...his 'good' word felt very suggesstive to me.:)
he kept talking to me."is this ur first flight journey" he asked....now here i dont want to be look stupid or nervous.so i pretended to be very confident n answered "No..i travelled a lot before but internationaly this is first one"."oh this is my first journey by flight n i m bit nervous coz its international..a long duration flight." he answered. i were satisfied inside 'thank god i m not d only one'. n smiled....'tats ok.dont be vervous.it will be a good journey..i told him.
this actualy gave me a confidence.finally announcment made for my flight..and i move towards d gate..entered into d plane.sat on my seat...it was a window seat..looking outside d window..d beautiful night view.d plane was going to take off..and this was d scariest moment for me as i m scared of heights.i started remembering god..chanting mantras..closed my eyes..didn't want to see outside...didn't want to feel d height ..how up i were .finally plane took off n i were in d sky.i was happy tat finally i m going to be with mridul..now nothing can stop me.d inside view of plane was not very attracting n amusing for me so i choose to look outside, though i were scared of height but still....n tat view definetly far better than inside one..d beautiful night view of delhi city frm this much height...suddenly my fear of height got disapperaed..n i started enjoying d view...d moon..stars..they were still at d same distance as they look frm earth ground...still out of reach.

anyways i started enjoying my journey..after 9 hr i reached frankfurt,Germany..frm there i had to change my flight to Dallas,USA.I boarded on tat flight.I met a southindian woman who hardly knows english except some words.."yes, no,help"she was going to visit her son in USA.somewhere i felt pitty on tat woman as she was facing a lot problems coz of language.She even cudn't speak hindi so me too was unable to talk to her.anyways people do every possible n even impossible things just to be with their loveones.In a way me too doing d same things..going all alone there.which was not possible for me earlier.anyways this flight journey was going to end .n my heartbeats was increasing ..me n mridul was going to be togeather after a long time.finally flight landed n i came out frm airport ...imagining mridul like a hindi film hero with flowers in his hand....a total filmy situation...then i saw mridul..though d flowers were not in his hand...but i cud see his face blossming like flower after seeing me..which was hundered time better than any flower..tat was one of d best moment of my life.That journey ended up showing me d best moment of my life.i will always remember this journey throughout my life.

Decision For Life

Jis rishte ko pala hai maine..use aaj apni jindgi se nikala hai maine
Laga yu  jaise jism se jaan ko nikala hai maine

Bahut pyar tha is dil me uske liye..per takeelf kuch is kadar badh gayi ki
Apne hi dil ko cheel dala hai maine..

Mushkil tha jeena uske bina ..saans b lena  mera uske bina
Per hua kuch aisa...dil toot gaya mera..
Dil k tukde b namumkin tha gin pana mera

Pir b un tukdo ko andekha kar
Sambhala maine tujhe aa kr
Per kahin andar mai gayi thi bikhar
Jindgi ki us sacchai ko jaan kar
Na kar payi pir tujhse pyar shayed us kadar

Dil ko pir ek seema me bandh dala maine

Ab uske bina hi  hai jeena.. tay kar dala hai maine...

flavour of life

“Flavor of life”, few months back me n one of my friend had discovered this term. So what does it mean? Though I can elaborate d meaning but still want to say in one line...flavor of life is something which keeps u alive...keeps u happy.I am not sure about others but for me it is. Actually there are kinds of happiness too. May be I differ with my friend on this but anyways. Talking about d flavor of life, I just say that life keeps giving us different kind of flavor all d time...but here I am talking about d flavor we like or you can say we like to have. As time passes by, our source of flavor get change...when we were kid, our flavor was just toys…playing with them…buying new ones, gave us happiness. We kept waiting for any occasion to buy new one. And as we grown up things got changed...sometimes going to our grandparent’s house was d flavor of life…Sometimes our friend....girl friend…Boy friend were d flavor of life. Actually tat was d time when we understood d happiness (at least that time we felt so)… going out with friends…spending time with friends…making new friends, were d things which used to make us happy and alive. Giving cards...gifts…flowers to our love one, waiting for his/her calls, sms, letters....these were d things…actually beautiful things, which taught us d meaning of happiness that time.
Than 'marriage'...I believe this cud be a big source of tat wanted ‘flavor' in any one’s life...which can keep u always happy n alive…makes your life worth living.
But I have seen, in many cases it last within a short period of time...after some years of marriage when struggle starts for better future or new responsibilities start adding into life, we forget to mix d flavor in our life.  We do start feeling that our life is dull, boring. And again we start our search for the flavor...for some people it cud be a baby...for some it cud be making a new friend...and for somebody it cud be something else...may be some other interest, in short, we can say, flavor of life keep changing throughout d life and we need it at every stage of life…at least now I can say this. It’s really necessary to keep u alive not only physically…but mentally and emotionally. Something, which u do for yourself…or incase u r doing it for others also and u feel happy than it’s your flavor of life. Actually anything which satisfies your sole is for you only.
For my friend this is something different…with which I don't agree…but still I do agree with d term n logic behind this. The only thing about flavor of life is, doing anything which keeps u alive.
Ultimately happiness matter for all of us…everyone has right to get his/her flavor of life. As a matter of fact this term was just a fun for me n my friend when we used it very first time but after that I realized or you can say analyzed this term...n perhaps, I am also searching for my flavor of life...or may be trying to maintain that flavor which I already have....